“Will you take a risk with me,” she (Amy Sullivan) asked. Sure, I said before my mind had really wrapped around what that meant.
Now here I am, my knees are knocking as I’m about to pick up the phone. It’s the day I have to make a move and act on what I’ve been pondering about for the last months. The deep stirring will not let my soul go. Some days it will not let me breath. Oh, how I wish the thoughts would hush. But they hover peeking into and disturbing my every thought.
In the past few months I’ve been put in messy situation after messy situation to show me what a deep-dark world we are living in. And every time I step in to the darkness, I’m so sad at how we as Christians try to avoid the dark. Friends, we are called to be “lights in this dark world.” So why aren’t we going? Why aren’t we moving out?
Darkness can not deny the Light that you and I have! Even a weak dim burning ember can shine light in the dark. [can you tweet that?]
And we’ll never know what that really means as long as we only shine our lights in already lit places. I can’t stand the swirling thoughts making my soul crazy any longer. I’m risking rejection and asking a friend to help me enter a dark world.
I feel ill-equipped and inadequate.
I’m trusting the reason God has laid this burden so thick and deep on my heart is that he expects me to do something. He knows I heard. He knows I’m needed. But I think He continually forgets that I’m just a scared little Texas girl. I’d rather stand behind you than step aside and out on my own.
Since I can’t deny the nudge in my soul, I made the phone call. I spoke with one who knows prostitutes and women caught in the darkest of places. Unsure of how our conversation would go, my stomach was doing flip-flops. At times I wondered where the puke bucket was as my stomach churned by all the tumbling it was doing.
Doing Something.
It is so frustrating to have something so strong in your soul and yet you have no clue how to act upon it. The phone call was great. And a return call was even better, but I put the phone down deflated. If I’m honest, I think I was hoping for someone with knowledge to feel my need to do something.
I wanted them to pound their fists and cry their eyes out at the burden God had laid on my heart. I wanted them to say, “Yes, let’s help these women.” And then I knew they’d lead me by the hand and show me what to do. They could take the lead.
That preconceived expectation didn’t happen.
After laying my vulnerable weary soul out there, I wanted to throw walls up around me. I hate risking. I hate rejection. And you know what? I wasn’t even rejected. The plan just didn’t unfold how I had hoped it would.
Maybe the truth is that I hate not having all the answers. Shoot – I don’t even have all the questions at this point. But I had laid out with a quivering voice thoughts, awkward questions, and God-visions. And my heart grew with each soft spoken word and quiet whisper of the burden that God has given me. The risk made determination and passion grow stronger.
For awhile, I didn’t feel like I accomplished much. But that’s just it, with risk — you are either propelled where you need to be or your stopped to rethink and try again.
When was the last time you took a risk? It doesn’t matter how big or small — a risk is a risk!
If you’re risk didn’t get you to where you need to be, will you step out and risk again?
Oh how I hope so, because that’s where I hope to see you — on the other side of the risk. It’s time we do something.
Or do something again!
I am taking risks right now I am putting my story out there for everyone to see and read and listen and for me that is scary, I am also in the process of opening a girls residential home and the whole thing is just scary and exciting at the same time. It really does seem bigger than me and I can so easily let my mind slip into the how can I…. I cant…… there is no way…… but im not im choosing something risky everyday. I don’t care what others think of this most of the time because im not doing it for me Im doing it to help women girls and mothers daughters grandmothers see that If we don’t break our chains then as the generations grow so will the chain so we have to break them. God can take our scattered puzzle pieces and make them into a tight fitting up lifting beautiful master piece if we let him.
I love how you are risking, because I know your story is going to help free a lot of others caught up in chains. Keep sharing girl — your story is Light to others.
WOW! Maybe at this point all you needed to do was make the call out of obedience and then the Lord will show you the next step. Way to go and pick up that phone!
This is so beautiful and exactly to the point of how it feels. That’s what keeps so many of us, me included, still instead of moving. We want a plan and we want to know how to accomplish it. It’s so scary to take each step at a time. I’m not good at it. God bless you.
Your post made me think of something profound my missionary son told me, “Darkness can’t exist when there is light.” He was of course talking, about our faith and love of God, like you. My focus word this year is Brave. Sometimes you have to take risks to grow in bravery.
I think starting with one step is the key — you took the risk and God honors that. He knows you don’t have the answers, but He has the master plan, right? Part of taking a risk is the not knowing how it will all work out. Excited for you as you start this journey!
Wow. Wow. Wow. Taking that first step is the hardest. You did it! Now you trust He’ll show you the next step. Glad to be taking this #RiskRejection journey with you! x
Ohhhhh, I’ve been waiting for this…dying to know, and I knew you wouldn’t disappoint.
What you say about feeling terrible even when you aren’t rejected is so true. We have in our heads exactly what we want to happen, and if it doesn’t we are left feeling short, but not here, not you.
Even though you didn’t hang up with all the answers, you hung up with a start and if I know you, this won’t be a start for long.
Those expectations will kill you. No one or nothing ever measures up. Learning to lay my expectations down and just wait expectantly on God. Why is this so hard?
Praying for you. Every tiny step taken in response to God’s nudging is obedience…
Oh my friend… There is some beautiful restoration that will be happening because of your bravery, and your obedience.
It will be hard. So hard. And there will be times when awkward doesn’t even begin to describe the discomfort… But HIS heart will compel you, and HIS hands will guide you.
Oh my friend. I am praying, praying, praying!!
Another #RiskRejection risk taker here–wow, that is a dark place to go. I met with some young girls who were trying to escape prostitution in Africa back in 2012, and all I can tell you is that they do not want to be defined by that vocation, and often refuse to talk about it. It will be a tough road, but one I am glad you will be on, bringing the Light they desperately need.
Maybe the only way to live is to live vulnerably.
You have a big heart that inspires.
I also always want to know the answers too… I can’t wait to see what this month has in store.. :) won’t it be neat to look back from the other side of the risk?
Ah, Alene… Cheers for acting on your risk! (Reminds me of that verse from James… Faith with out deeds is dead.)
You my friend, are doing the deed and no doubt that God is pleased. So looking forward to see what comes of this.
I’m so excited to see this latest risk and the way He leads you through it! Love you bunches :)
I’m behind on posts — I’m glad to jump in and see what you’re up to! Love your realness.