There are days I just need to write to process. It’s as if the thoughts twirling inside my head are going at such a speed it is taking my breath away. And friend, today is one of those days!
There’s a voice inside me screaming “Let’s crawl back to the comfort zone and avoid this mad world.” But I know I can’t because too many people are living in the mad, mad world.
I live in tension.
Within a months time I’ve seen and dealt with more darkness than I really could care to see. Circumstances my mind couldn’t even fathom a few years ago are now a part of my weekly life. In the moment . . . I sit sobbing and messed up!
There aren’t any easy answers for the messy places of life. Believe me, I’ve looked for them. I’d give anything to have them. And because life is dark and unpredictable I live in the tension of messy and longing to find that “right” answer. The situations I’ve learned of rock me. Rock me hard and I feel the whiplash.
I long for nice perfect answers to . . .
Situations where you know a child is being abused and she has shut down. The mom is all but barely hanging on. You sit and hug them tightly crying buckets of big sloppy tears while letting them know with the grace of God it will all be alright as we work through the difficult.
Situations where you hold a child who has been left all by himself in an apartment for days. You cuddle him thanking God for the miracle that he’s OK. You can’t believe that people found him and took him in as there own.
Situations where a young mom you met on the streets says “Here take my child!” And a friend does, but you worry about her legal safety.
A situation where you receive a note from someone who says “Will you adopt me. I’ve never had a family. I’d love to experience a birthday party and family gatherings.”
I’ve walked with these people side-by-side trying to muddle the way out of the messy, but it seems at times there’s even a messier side just around the corner. And it’s mad, mad, maddening!
In the last 24 hours my heart has been wrecked again.
My heart is seriously longing for a comfort zone. My body wants to put up walls, but my soul knows it has to stay available where I’m at — in the big fat middle of messy lives.
On the streets last night I had a woman hand me a letter to read and pray over. She is a single mom of 5 and realizing that if something happened to her there was nowhere for her children to go. She has no family and just wants to belong to a family that can be hers. And I cry and can’t quit thinking about her. I’ve never known anyone who went to the streets to find a new family!!!
This morning I met a lady who was just released from prison. She was looking for a place to plug-in so she could stay on the straight path ahead. While I was busy getting her information a friend noticed she was shoeless. How did I not see that? Tears flowed as I watched my friend graciously take off her shoes and the woman fumble around to put them on. Who goes to church thinking they will give their shoes away?
I could go on, but feel I need to slow down these maddening thoughts. On days like this I just wonder when “the church” is going to wake up and truly become the church Jesus called us to be.
When are we going to quit blessing and providing more for the already blessed people and be about the work of Jesus — caring for and serving the least of us? To do this CHURCH you have to get out of your church. Those living in the messy and dark world will NOT come to your pretty church. I’m not making this stuff up — they’ve personally told me they won’t.
So what’s the answer?
I don’t know. But I do know that while you sit in your pretty church and demand to have a deep word and the perfect worship song, there is a sick — sad — messy world that is suffocating.
As I move forward, I’ll be spending time getting in to the nitty-gritty of Jesus’ life as I work through these maddening feelings. And while I search for an answer, I’m beginning to wonder about the maddening world Jesus had to live in. He probably thinks we are a hoot as we try to make something nice and neat out of this world.
I’m silently pondering the fact and there’s no denying it’s a mad, mad, mad world.
Wow! Thank you for not sugar-coating this, Alene. Thank you for slapping us in the face and shouting, “Wake up, people!” Thank you for challenging us to be more like Jesus, to have His heart and see people through His eyes. I love your heart, even when it challenges my own. God bless you, my friend.
Thank you, Paul! The more I see of the world and try to reach people in the “world”, the more I want to shout. We’ve lived complacent way too long. Thanks for your encouraging words.