31 days of anonymity {day 13 – dear partner in crime}

To my Partner in Crime:

I wish I never met you.  Maybe then, my life would not have been turned upside down.

Our meeting was like a magnetic force, which could not be broken.  You charmed the socks and the rest of my clothes right off of me. Maybe if I had not been in a manic episode, I would have had some restraint. Probably not!

You were beautiful, charming, dynamic and completely deceptive.

When I told you I was pregnant,

it was like your life was over. I wanted you more than anything. I wished the same was true for you – in wanting me.  I wanted to believe you wanted me too.

You wanted an end to this problem. It did not matter to you that this went against my personal and spiritual convictions. Impulsive and reckless, you convinced me this was our only out.

I’d already given you my heart and body. I wanted to please you.

I wanted you to love me.

But instead, you drove me to the clinic. You financed the abortion. I elected to be completely anesthetized, in hopes that I might not remember the pain of killing our unborn child.

You “held” me after it was over.  You nursed my wounds but you would never again have my heart. No one would for a long time.

We put an end to the possibility of life: our could have been, our should have been will never be. I blamed you for putting an end to my ability to give or receive love.

I will never forget the moment I woke up and realized this nightmare was real. 

I told God he could never forgive me.  I turned my back on Him and you became my god. I gave myself to you for three more years. I gave myself in hopes that we could create something good from our mess.  Even though I wouldn’t let you hold my heart, at least I wasn’t alone.

I was wrong. 

You never really loved me. You were incapable of loving anyone but yourself. I blamed you for my month long stay in the mental hospital.  I blamed you for my addiction to crack cocaine. I blamed you for every bad thing that happened in my life for years that followed.

It was not your fault. 

It was the enemy, who seeks to kill, steal and destroy. He almost had me but God’s grace is endless.  His grace covered me; it covers you too. I forgave you and I forgave myself.  I received HIS full forgiveness.

I am healed today.

I am whole. I named our baby and held a memorial service for her. Her name is Savannah. I let God love me again; he never stopped pursuing me.  Today, I lead other women into their complete healing in Christ, including the wounds from being post-abortive.

God really does make beauty from ashes.

My life is living proof. I am a mother today and this fills my life with joy. I have four children. I will meet our daughter someday and I hope you are there too!

I hope someone in your life has loved you enough to lead you out of your pain to the merciful heart of Jesus.

Dear Anonymous,

Brave one, so many emotions swirl through my mind as I read. It does take two-to-tango and what a visual of how often the “tango” ends up falling on the female as “her responsibility.” Then “her responsibility” ends up being her hurt! I love the truthfulness of your heart! What a great reminder that we, girls, LONG to be loved and cherished. My heart is so glad you are living proof that God makes “beauty from ashes” as we fall in love with Him. Now, that’s a God story, for sure!

Dear Reader,

Have you tango’ed only to have found yourself hurt? Turn today and dance with God — let Him lead — fall in love with Him! For all who mourn He longs to give a crown of beauty for ashes. (Is. 61:3)

To grasp this 31day series and to view the previous letters click here.

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