Dear Family & Friends,
Thank you for coming and being there for me.
Losing my son was the single most excruciating pain I have ever endured. I couldn’t have made it through this time without the love of my family and friends.
You were by my side walking through the pain with me was the best way you could have ever helped me. Many of you continued to check on me weeks, months and even years later. You were the ultimate helper.
I know that everything you said and did was meant to help,
but it didn’t always feel so helpful.
When you said, “I could never do what you’re doing; I could never handle losing a child.” I wanted to scream! Do you REALLY think I wanted to handle it? I didn’t think I could handle it either, but do I really have a choice?
When you say, “at least he’s in Heaven now” it’s really not a comfort. Although it is great that he is in Heaven; right now I want him here with me, not somewhere that I can’t be with him.
To those who said, “God must have needed him more.” I wanted to say, he was a GREAT guy, everyone needs him, but no one as much as his mama. Oh and please don’t say, “I know how you feel, I just lost my mother…father….grandparent… whomever you lost.” I’ve lost my mom too; let me assure you there is no comparison to losing a child!!
And in the future most importantly don’t say,
“If you need anything at all, please call me.” Guess what? I’m not going to call you, even if I know beyond a doubt that you would be there for me in a minute. I know you mean well, but what I really need is for you to just see a need and fulfill it. If you don’t see anything to do, it’s ok! I probably didn’t know I needed something either.
I have to admit that I’ve said some of these things too, until I lost my son. It was then that I realized all those things don’t help at all. What really helped the most was just having people around me.
When you showed up, it spoke volumes to me, even if you only hugged me and didn’t say a word. Things got done! I didn’t do any of them, but people saw a need and fulfilled it. God sent helpers! God sent the Holy Spirit with skin on. God’s family, as imperfect as we are was there to comfort me.
Dear sweet family and friends, next time you find yourself in a similar situation (I pray it’s not often) choose your words wisely. Or choose no words at all.
Allow God to use you as His silent hands and feet. Just simply say, “I’m here for you,” and mean it.
Dear Anonymous,
Thank you for your sweet meaningful words. Thank you for realizing that many of us say the wrong things when trying to help, but you love us any way. Your words of wisdom I will remember and I love how you write, “Allow God to use you as His SILENT hand and feet!” While I am so sorry you no longer have your son to enjoy, I am thankful for your beautiful haert!
Dear Reader,
Have you been guilty of maybe saying the wrong thing unintentionally? Or maybe you are holding on to words spoken to you by others who meant to only help? Either way, let’s let this letter full of much wisdom inspire us to take the necessary steps.
Dear Readers — please help get these powerful messages out by tweeting and posting on facebook as I will be taking a break from my computer for a week. Thank you for giving these silent hurts and fears a voice!
I’m certain I’ve been guilty of saying some of these things. But the words are never meant to hurt. For instance, “I could never handle what you are going through”, could be equated to a compliment of “You are so strong, I envy your courage.” But either way, I have learned what NOT to say. Bless you…
I know exactly how you felt with those words after you lost your son as I too lost my son and the best medicine and support was a big hug. I so needed hugs. There were no words to comfort me; especially those you mentioned but I knew they were in kindness and those friends and family had no idea what I was going through. I still need hugs 6 years later. I pray you too will receive many more hugs in the future. Your sister in Christ, Brenda