Dear Church Family,
I love serving you and your families. I am happy to share my husband and children with you. I joyfully engage, and give, and even receive, the love we get to share in Jesus.
I’m your pastor’s wife.
And I am afraid you are going to kill my husband.
Not murder, more like negligent homicide. Nonetheless, he’ll be just as dead and just as gone. The expectations are sometimes suffocating. We’re in our early 40’s — not too many years younger than my own dad was when cancer killed him. That’s part of it I’m sure. And then last year, another pastor in our community, one not much older than us, dropped dead jogging, and I couldn’t help but think that that would one day be my husband’s fate.
I am truly afraid you might destroy the man I married 20 years ago. Some of you might not like your spouses. In fact, I know that many of you don’t. But I really do. He’s caring, he adores me, he is gorgeous, and we have a great sex life. That’s right, your pastor is having a passionate love affair with his beautiful wife. And I won’t let you cut it short with your endless demands and your unreasonable expectations.
We must give grace upon grace. But not you.
You get to pile high your needs and wants and crises. Some of them are even legitimate. Death. Disease. Divorce. Children run away. Life overwhelms. But it’s not this that is causing the fears of his untimely demise.
We must love all of you, no matter what. No matter what we know of your criticisms, or how you maliciously slander us to others, we have to let it go graciously. But not you. You don’t have to give a rip. You can show up and sit in a seat, and leave, unscathed, untouched, and not even acknowledge our existence.
There are hundreds of you. And each of you wants a piece of us. Even 200 tiny pieces add up to too big a chunk of us. It’s more than we can give, more than we have to give. WE do have lives. We don’t live at church. I know it looks like we do.
Our kids love it – most days. Until you tell them what “perfect role models” that you want them to be for your children. Or you say, “Why didn’t you bring your Bible? Aren’t you the Pastor’s kid?”
Each week, we carry your burdens, your hurts, the words carelessly spoken, and the knowledge that we will never do enough.
And we carry you with us.
Even though some of you bring us sweet encouragement, most of you don’t.
You expect too much.
You give too little.
And you whine too much.
We are tired.
We want more than anything to love you well, but when we give our very best and there’s always someone with something to say about how it should have been more or how it should have looked differently, it makes us want to go to the woods and live among the homeless – perhaps their expectations of us will be more reasonable.
How can you bless us rather than burden us? How can you love your pastor better?
Love his family. Encourage his wife. Invest in his kids.
Ask him how HE is doing, rather than going so quickly to your own needs. Be a friend, and let him be himself. We are busy. We won’t be the friends you have over every week for game night. But we will be loyal, loving, faithful, Jesus givers. We will.
Just let us be us. And stop sharing your thoughts on everything that you think that we aren’t doing right. Yes, we may need it from time to time. We all need accountability, but know that we’re probably carrying things that you’re not aware of, so come in love and be gentle with us. We’re fragile sometimes.
Some days, all it takes is a whisper, “Hey Pastor, we love you.”
October is HALLMARK’S month for celebrating pastors. Do something this month to bless your pastor. Something tangible. It’s not that he doesn’t appreciate the card, or the Starbucks gift card. But even more, give a piece of yourself. It will count for more that way. And be an encourager. We need it more than you will ever know.
With Love and Concern from a ridiculously exhausted and spent . . . Pastor’s Wife
Dear Pastor’s Wife,
Thank you for this gentle reminder that I’m sure most of us are guilty of — taking our pastor’s and their family for granted. Oh how I need to watch my actions and words. May I be more diligent about loving them and not wanting anything in return. I want to be the uplifting one my pastor and family can count on. Thank you for this sweet morsel of truth and the reminder that October is Pastor’s month.
Dear Reader,
Did these words stir your soul? Are you a taker or giver when it come to your pastor and his family? FEEL FREE TO COMMENT AS ANONYMOUS IF YOU’D LIKE.
love this…i am sure we are all guilty of being ‘takers’ too much of the time! I left church because my small group was constantly moaning. every week the queue formed to be the next person with the crisis in need of prayer! in the end i left church because i had never felt so far away from the joy of being saved as i did when i was there! What does that make me, neither a giver or a taker…i am a run-awayer!
loving your series xxxxx
Oh I know — my mind went to how much more I need to be a giver too. Love my pastor and wife so I’d hate to think I might take too much. Love the truth here that makes me think. But – I hope you’ll run-back! Find a new church, find a new small group. A church that feels like home that makes you want to run there and a small group that uplifts and encourages. I think you have much to share — many runaway, they need a voice to know it’s not about leaving-all-together — it’s about finding the right home that you love because they encourage you on your journey. Thanks for being so real!! There’s been times when I’ve so wanted to run-away, but thankfully as I ran I was led to a place of encouragement!
I’m so thankful for this series, it is so honest and real…SO GOD INSPIRED! This one in particular opened my eyes to what I suspected… People demand too much of their pastor’s and don’t serve them enough. I’m so thankful for her honesty and pray that God really moves in her and her families situation. She has definitely made me want to serve my pastor and his family more… And to pray for them as well. Thank you Pastors Wife for not holding back and for being so real.
Thank you! Yes, this letter opened my eyes too! So thankful these words give us new insight to the Pastor and his wife and their responsibility. Oh may we certainly serve them more. Any suggestions?
I can’t imagine how difficult that job would be. Living constantly in the lime light, facing constant scrutiny. People expecting perfection from you and your family. All I can say is know that all is well in God’s eyes. Hang in there sweet sister. He loves you and will bless you for your hard work and commitment.
I totally can’t imagine either the lime-light and scrutiny! The part that got me was how their kids are held to such higher standards. What an incredible hardship for such young ones — shoot and if we are honest — most adults don’t measure up to that kind of scrutiny! I know I wouldn’t.
I have several pastor’s wives as friends. I can tell you this letter is dead on. Pastors have a tough job and unless you have walked in their shoes, you have no idea. They live in a fishbowl…always on display…always on. God bless you, dear pastor’s wife.
The pressure of living in a fishbowl is suffocating. Great way to describe what they go through. Love ya friend!
Thank you so much for your honesty and for your courage to put your heart into words. As a pastor’s wife I’ve had those exact thoughts, just not enough guts to put it in words. You give me courage!!
Oh my heart goes out to this lady. After being in full-time ministry upfront, I know what she is saying is true and very common. If there really IS a book in me, it is this subject…How to be Ministry Wife and Not Lose Yourself. Or something to that effect.
So many ministry women are hurting and unable to share openly with the people they spend most of their time with. So sad and so wrong.