31 days of anonymity {day 26 – dear bible study leader}

Dear Bible Study Leader,

I was so excited when you asked me to be part of the Bible Study you were leading. I was even more excited when my husband encouraged me to join, saying he’d help with our kids so I could be there each week.

I wish I’d known then what I know now. I wish I had never joined that study. I wish I had never been in your home, never shared a meal with you, never prayed with you, never met your husband.  I wish I had never even met you at all.

Just exactly how could you do it?

How could you have me in your home and study the precious word of God, all the while you were having an affair with my husband? How could you look me in the eye? How could you pray with me?  That’s so gross!

When I found out, I literally threw up. I was disgusted, physically sickened by what you did. Then I was overwhelmed by questions…what was it about you that my husband was unable to walk away from? Where did you meet each other? Who made the first move? Was he ever in your home? Did he sit on the couch where I sat? Tormenting questions.

With time, my questions died down and I didn’t want to know the answers. I didn’t want to know who made the first move. I didn’t want to know what it was about you he was unable to walk away from.

All I wanted to know was…how could you?

Not only how could you have an affair with my husband, but how could you break the trust in a Bible study? How could you, as a leader do something so vile and hypocritical? When you were sleeping with my husband were you praying about it? Did you write in your journal about it? That’s an interesting way to live out for so called faith if you ask me. But then again, no one asked me.

This affair rocked my world to say the least, but what damage would’ve been done if I wasn’t a Christian? What if I was a woman who questioned this “church thing” and wasn’t  sure I even believed in Jesus? Could you live with yourself knowing you had tainted my view of church leadership and caused me to never believe in the God of the universe? Wow…I wonder if that even crosses your mind.

The damage this affair caused is mind boggling. 

Your marriage ended. My twenty year marriage, shattered. Finished. Divorced. Three children who once believed in love, faithfulness, marriage, now are not even sure what or who to count on anymore. You’ve hurt them so deeply and they don’t even know you exist. Do you think about that or even realize the magnitude of the damage you caused?

I struggled with anger towards you, feeling like I would feel better if everyone knew the truth about you. Oh it would’ve felt so good if everyone knew the truth or so I thought. But in reality, there was no need for further damage. I’m glad now I made the choice to keep the details between me, God and a handful of church leaders.

In time, God has made it clear to me that my faith was to be in Him alone-not in anyone else.  

Through heartsick nights of time alone with God, I realized that even though you were a Bible study leader, you were still human. It certainly didn’t make what you did any easier, just softened the edges of the hurt. My only faith and trust is to be in the God Almighty. People will let me down. Even Bible study leaders will let me down, but God never will. I wonder if you’ve really learned to trust Him?

For a long time, if I heard the name of the Bible study I was in with you, my heart just felt sick. I love God’s Word, but this particular study left a bad taste in my mouth! I think you should know that God changed all that. I myself was the leader of this very same study awhile back in the same church. I met with a group of women week after week, laughing, crying, sharing our lives together, praying and studying the Word. None of us had affairs with each other’s husbands. The study was beautiful as it should be. Lives were changed, not devastated.

I will be forever changed by the decisions you made.

Changed by the evil you allowed in. But I pray someday I will be able to say I forgive you. I pray for you at times, although with clenched jaws. I hope that in time I can pray for you without clenched jaws, but for now it’s all I can do.  I still wish I’d never met you, but I won’t allow you to damage my trust in God. He’s the only way I made it through this and he’ll always be the love of my life. One that even you can’t take away!

 

 

 

Dear Anonymous,

There is nothing more angering than to have Christian leaders betray the trust they’ve been given and not walk out what they teach! I love how you point out that we are all human. I do get that and I myself mess-up too, but the pain caused through the mess-ups is always so senseless! I’m praying you can forgive. It will be a process. I’m thankful you are hanging on to God…many at this point totally turn away. Many prayers for you.

Dear Reader,

Have you been betrayed by a church leader or close friend? If so, begin the process of praying for forgiveness today — even if it is through clenched jaw.